You meet somebody new, they usually appear to examine your entire packing containers for the perfect accomplice. The chemistry is electrical, conversations move effortlessly, and you may’t assist however envision a future with them. However earlier than lengthy, issues take a flip and the would-be relationship ends—simply because it did the final time and the time earlier than that. If you end up caught in a cycle of courting the identical sort of individual solely to repeatedly have the identical detrimental end result, you could be groundhogging.
A reference to the 1993 rom-com Groundhog Day, during which weatherman Phil (Invoice Murray) lives the identical day again and again till he alters his methods and falls in love along with his colleague Rita (Andie MacDowell), groundhogging in courting entails the identical sort of fruitless repetition.
Whereas the tendency to repeatedly date the identical sort of individual might spring from good intentions—like a sense of consolation or a need to go after a selected “sort” that you just assume is best for you—courting consultants say it will probably critically hinder your probabilities at discovering real love.
Wait, what precisely is “groundhogging” in courting?
“Groundhogging is a pattern during which folks hold courting the identical sort of individual time and again whereas anticipating completely different outcomes,” says relationship coach and courting professional Susan Trotter, PhD. Every time a relationship ends for no matter purpose, the individual will “groundhog” to a different related individual and date them, just for that relationship to inevitably finish quickly, too.
“Groundhogging is a pattern during which folks hold courting the identical sort of individual time and again whereas anticipating completely different outcomes.” —Susan Trotter, PhD, relationship coach
Maybe it isn’t figuring out every time as a result of the kind of individual you’re repeatedly courting embodies poisonous qualities—perhaps they’re all narcissists with a aptitude for love-bombing—or they’re simply straight-up emotionally unavailable, and it’s the need to “repair” them (or get them to fall in love with you) that leads you to maintain looking for them out.
Or perhaps the kind of individual in query simply matches a selected picture you’ve constructed in your head; in different phrases, they wouldn’t be problematic for everybody, however they simply aren’t proper for you, whether or not as a result of they’re too related or too completely different, or for another purpose. And by focusing solely on this one sort of individual (say, assured legal professionals or humorous actors), you’re lacking out on the individuals who don’t suit your preconceived notion of the perfect accomplice, however who even have extra of the qualities that will make them appropriate with you long-term.
In any case, somebody who’s groundhogging doesn’t be taught from the expertise and make modifications to the best way that they date; relatively, they repeat the cycle, regardless that it by no means works out with their chosen sort. In keeping with psychotherapist Mollie Spiesman, LCSW, folks usually flip to groundhogging as a consolation mechanism. You already know precisely what you’re getting your self into, which is comfy—however every time, you persuade your self that it’s going to prove otherwise.
What are the important thing indicators of groundhogging?
“The most important signal that you just’re groundhogging in courting will be the outcomes,” says Dr. Trotter. It doesn’t matter what you do, you retain discovering your self in the identical sort of relationship, and it doesn’t work out. Maybe all of your relationships finish the identical approach, too, whether or not all of a sudden and abruptly, or by really fizzling out.
Dr. Trotter additionally says to maintain a watch out for the next indicators of groundhogging:
- You’re feeling like your latest relationships have all progressed in related methods
- You’re very inflexible and selective about whom you date however to little success
- You aren’t in any respect selective about whom you date and wind up with the identical varieties of people that pursue you
- Your previous companions remind you of each other
- You rush into relationship after relationship along with your ordinary sort
Why do folks repeatedly date the identical sort of individual if it by no means works out?
“Nearly all of folks consider that they’ve a sure ‘sort,’ and it may be laborious to shift from that,” says Dr. Trotter. We’re all creatures of behavior. We crave routine and familiarity, even in conditions the place it could be higher to assume outdoors the field or problem ourselves to strive one thing new. “Familiarity is comfy even when uncomfortable,” says Dr. Trotter.
Certainly, Spiesman finds that her shoppers typically make selections rooted in consolation, even once they don’t really serve them. For example, some folks may select companions who’re controlling or domineering, considering it is love. Others may hold choosing companions who cannot commit, maybe due to the attract of a problem. “They may assume, ‘Oh I will strive once more—this time can be completely different,’ nonetheless, time and expertise probably show that’s not the case,” she says.
In sure eventualities, the character of somebody’s attachment model (that’s, their approach of navigating interpersonal relationships developed by way of childhood interactions) can play a task of their tendency to groundhog with a selected sort. For instance, folks with an anxious attachment model might ceaselessly discover themselves drawn to companions with an avoidant attachment model—who then exacerbate or reinforce the nervousness they really feel by thwarting intimacy.
“When folks don’t take the time to mirror on their relationship historical past…they’re extra more likely to keep on with that acquainted feeling and repeat patterns with out even realizing it.” —Dr. Trotter
In nonetheless different instances, folks could be so desperate to discover a accomplice that they don’t even know they’re groundhogging. “When folks don’t take the time to mirror on their relationship historical past—for instance, contemplating what labored and what didn’t work up to now, what they actually need and want now, what half they performed in previous dynamics—they’re extra more likely to keep on with that acquainted feeling and subsequently repeat patterns with out even realizing it,” says Dr. Trotter.
Each the need for familiarity and the worry of the unknown can act as highly effective forces that hold folks caught within the groundhogging cycle, she provides.
Easy methods to break away from the groundhogging lure
As with all sample of conduct you are attempting to cease, “step one is recognition,” says Dr. Trotter. If you happen to establish that you could be be groundhogging, it’s necessary to acknowledge that you could be must make some massive modifications in the best way you date, she says.
Specifically, Dr. Trotter suggests taking time to assessment your relationship historical past, whereas being attentive to the patterns inherent in your courting experiences. For example, for those who word that you just’ve usually dated emotionally unavailable folks, you may do some excited about why you’re selecting folks whom you know can’t provide the closeness you want or need, suggests Spiesman, and goal to reacquaint your self with your personal emotions and values.
In an analogous vein, Dr. Trotter suggests giving some thought to what you assume your ‘sort’ is and why. In so doing, you may uncover that there isn’t any strong purpose why you possibly can’t broaden your scope a bit, and also you’ve simply been selecting the identical varieties of individuals largely out of intuition or comfort.
“Create a life that’s full and joyful after which search for folks whom you possibly can invite in to boost it.” —Molly Spiesman, LCSW, psychotherapist
Spiesman additionally recommends taking time to follow self-love, course of previous relationship points, and encompass your self with family members who know your price and worth as a method to extend your confidence. “Create a life that’s full and joyful after which search for folks whom you possibly can invite in to boost it,” she says. “Doing so lets you be extra intentional within the courting course of, relatively than settling or selecting folks simply to fill the void.”
Once you’re courting, goal to strike a steadiness between being selective in the case of discovering somebody who shares your values and in addition being versatile, so that you just don’t write off potential matches who occur to fall outdoors of your typical sort. Particularly, be an observer and be engaged on the identical time: Discover the pull towards those that are acquainted (and never essentially finest for you), after which pause and problem your self to maneuver in a distinct route.
Dr. Trotter additionally advises looking for steering from a courting coach or relationship therapist to assist facilitate these modifications. Having knowledgeable in your nook who may help you establish unsupportive patterns and pivot accordingly could possibly be simply what you could hold from falling down the rabbit (er, groundhog) gap of repetitive courting.